Is that KeRuii?

Newton's law

2004-10-18T01:25:00.000+08:00

Someone out there? buy me panadols please! now i know misssing someone too much causes headache. They should give me nobel prize for that.

Sigh, i still misss her. I just couldn't stop thinking about her. i dunno why, the more i tell myself not to, the more my brains will. ive got stubborn brains.

I felt better after that night. Well maybe the "burden" had been unloaded after so long. I just hope she could understand my circumstances and ( "pray" ) that she will not avoid me. I know it's stupid to confess to someone when she's already attached., but i just wanted her to know how i feel. Well, i've kinda settled down . I'm no longer that upset when i see them together but , yea, the sourness still comes back sometimes. I'm glad she made her choice and that she's happy with her life now. As long as she's happy, there will be peace to my mind. I may sound fake.. but it's true. I just want to see the cheerful her.

The imagery of falling in love is kinda true. As in, literally "fall" in love. When u "fall" in love, you will get hurt, but after you help yourself up, you will find yourself stronger. Stronger in your character not physically. Well, for fat people like me, Newton says bigger mass, greater fall, i will get hurt more than others usually. i duno why. Maybe its just coincidental , maybe there's some logic behind it. Being fatter, i will need more effort and time to get up. And this is true too. lol i think too much.

i hate chemistry

2004-10-03T05:37:00.000+08:00

It's 5:37 am. Dear evan asked me to study with her until 6am and she fell asleep. lol. It's alright, Im not sleepy anyway. Oops my sms just woke her up. haha. Today's a bad bad day. I slept too much, ate too much and played too much. Something's on my mind, i just couldn't focus on Chem. Well, chem SUCKS! i hate chem now.

GP paper 1 on friday was sucky. All that topics didn't spur me to write any passable passage. But paper 2 was rather simple, as compared to all other compre i had done before. Ah but whatever it is. Im prepared to fail GP anyway. GEE! Bio paper was pretty alright. Quite a reasonale paper, most questions are answerable but of course, there are a few questions that i couldn't do. Well my effort wasn't wasted, B or C will be a possible grade, but i still hope i can achieve an A.

Evan is sleeping again. She's not replying in msn. lol.

The movie on channel 8 was great. Zhang guo rong portrayed a wonderful fatherly personality in the movie. The story was about this man, who adopted a young boy. Although the man was a bankrupt, he loved the child and led a happy life with him. 4 years later, the mother of the boy met this man coincidentally. And soon, the lady found out that the boy was her son. In the end, the boy went back to his mom, leaving the man. A sad sad story. My eyes were watery then. lol.

Well, how i hope my parents were him. *drumming fingers*

My throat is not getting better. It felt as though i have eaten sand! argh, Im always sick during exams period. F.

It's 6am already. Evan is officially sleeping. * chop stamp* i should be turning in soon, kinda sleepy. ahhh but there's something stopping me.. i dont want to close my eyes.....

Reason being, her. If my brain is a computer, her image will be desktop wallpaper, and her smile will be Pop-up ads ( her smile is not irritating though). Every detail of her, is vividly saved in my multi-gigabyte memory. I can never forget all these, unless i can reformat my brain. Sigh~ i have to move on, she's attached. I have to move on...

Can i sleep with eyes opened? lol. If i reincarnate, i wan to be a fish! lol.

Talking about fish.. there's a new movie call "shark tale". Hmm. I saw the preview.. the sharks aint as cute as the ones in Finding Nemo. Oh, the sound track for that movie is by christina and missy elliot... dunno what washing car or something. Hey! angelina jolie is voicing for that movie... what a sexy shark! lol.

Damn. I haven do a shit for chemistry. dead dead dead.

International day of depression

2004-09-28T04:09:00.000+08:00

The 1S08 gang of 5 went over to Joel's place for ONS- overnight study scheme (adapted from http://pigbrain.blogspot.com). Well, i feel it's just too big a group to carry out effective studying. Nothing much was done for all of us. For me and leong shen, we finished the 2003 bio promo paper. ( it was difficult, indeed) . Bok, as usual, was crapping his way through the night. And as for Joel and zhong wei, they went revising for C&C generals and SG. Like what bok always say, "China will not come out for promos", and "DO NOT play the comp". Well, i guess i introduce the game at a wrong time, we simply can't get "i build for china" outta our head.

I realise leong shen loves milk. He finished 1 litre of milk that night. And yes, he's gd at chinese chess.

Poor bok. He's being bullied again and again. i just couldn't resist making fun of him. I'm sorry Bok... lol. It's just so fun pinching his nipples (GP) and associating him with Xena. wahaha.

we got nothing better to do, and made prank calls to Jean. Then next prank sms to mdm koh. lol. As usual, Bok was suaned by her, yet again. lol

By 4:30a.m., ALL of them hit the sack already. I went to play generals until 6 in the morning and decide to take a nap after which. And i realise Bok and Leong shen did not leave a piece of land for my gigantic mass in the room, and with a cushion too. In the end, i had to squeeze between the table and bok, sleeping on the cold wooden floor. It was a bad bad sleep.

That BMW is nothing until i saw this.

This is Bugatti by Volkswagen. It cost 1 million Euros, has a top speed of 250mph and a super dual engine. It takes only 14 seconds to go from 0mph to 188mph.

Okay wake up kerui! stop dreaming!

I miss her badly, suddenly. I just couldn't stop thinking about her. well, i managed to keep her off my mind for so long, i just didnt know why she reappears in my head again. Didnt know what to do, i asked for a good night sms from jasamine and forward it to her. I didnt expect a reply from her, becos usually that's the case. But to my surprised, she reply me with a sms, the sweetest ever. i couldn't help it but teared for a moment. I guess im just too emotional. After which, knowing myself well, i tried to end the conversation just to get myself outta depression. For once, she didnt end it there and continue with the chat. Though it doesnt last long, but its enough to cause turmoils within me. All the memories and emotions came gushing back like an avalanche. She was so caring at that moment, although i know she meant well as a friend. How i wish that time could be freeze at that instance. It was the bad feelings again. I hate it. Once agian i sink into depression. All i could do, was to swim as hard as i can and save myself from the drown. The struggle wasnt long, i got out of the dark waters very soon.

Something is wrong today. Everyone seemed to be swtiching to depression mood. First, it was Evan. I dunno what got into her, she seemed very sad frustrated. I tried helping her and consoling but it didnt help. i felt bad. She is a good pair of listening ear, and she has helped me out when i was down and trapped in a dilemma. Next person was lionel. He talked some alienated stuff which i couldnt understand. i tried cheering him up and settle his feelings. i think he felt better and i hope he did. shrugs. And lastly, hantu got depressed over QY again. He was too honest in front of QY, told her something which should not be said. Distraction was useless, i was distracted instead. Meant to save him from his plight but ended up discussing about relationship again. Everytime routine.

Hey! Don't dream it's OVER!

2004-09-25T18:15:00.000+08:00

There is freedom within,
there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup

There's a battle ahead,
many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car,
there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
Don't ever let them win by sixpence none the richer

Such beautiful lyrics to describe the me now...

Well, the past few days were depressing for me, yea like what steph described.. "unbelieveable jealous".. i was jealous.. but i was even more disappointed with everything that happened. Maybe, i thought too much and pinned too much hope on the relationship. And becos i think too much, i had already thought of all the possible outcomes. Although i as mentally prepared as surgical patient, i was unable to accept the truth. The fact is that, i have to, no matter... nothing i do will change it.

I have to react normally in school. I have to take it as nothing happen. i cannot let her know anything more about my feelings. I manage to do that. I dumped all that depression at home and went to school with a positive mind. I was so good that mediacorp will hire me to act for them. No one knows exactly how i feel, and apparently, she didnt realise anything wrong wth me. I am the best actor in the world.

Who will know all the laughter and enthusiasm was all an awful feelings in disguise? Who will know that the strong, optimisstic kerui is actually a weakling, who stumble over his emotion quietly in the middle of the night? No one will.

Well since i have crowned myself the best actor in the world, i am just gonna finish with the show. Im left with 2 weeks of episode. After which promos are over.. i can cry all i want then.

kerui. jia you. you can be as strong as how you think you can be.

If only

2004-09-21T01:27:00.000+08:00

How i wish i could stay back and wait for you everyday.
How i wish i could help you ask for tissue everytime you need one.
How i wish i can buy you Poky, whenever you feel like eating.
How i wish i can guide you in your work everytime you stumble over.
How i wish i could watch a concert with you every fortnight.
How i wish i could pretend to miss my station all the time.
How i wish i could walk you home every night.

When I see you with the guy,
I am so so jealous, so jealous!
Oh god, sigh!
I may look forever cool,
But will you ever know
that I'm suffering quietly because of you.

When you are with the other guy,
You beamed,
with your beautiful eyes.
My heart becomes a rotten apple,
So spoiled! so soggy! So sour!
Why am i so stubborn? Why am i so skeptical?

I'm sorry. i can't help it. I just feel so bad.

Beautiful day

2004-09-13T23:40:00.000+08:00

I was seeking for her while I was on my way to bio lecture, hoping to catch a glimpse of her after a week break. Among the many familiar faces I was scanning through, I couldn't detect that image of hers. Maybe because I was too tired, I didn't bother to look any further. Suddenly, 5 fingers was waving right before my eyes followed y a thunderous "HI!". It was her, the usual image of her. Tied up hair, confident and always beaming with radiance but with overdosed of excitement. I returned my greetings with the widest smile I can ever give. She showed me a file enthusiastically, and advertised to me what was on the paper. It was some band proposal for our handbook. Well it was the first time that she was so excited about band matters. I was so delighted, not because of band stuff, but for her positive attitude and enthusiasm. She is the sun that brightens my day, and i hope she will always be.

hAhaHAha

2004-09-13T01:01:00.000+08:00

My dream guitar.. Ibanez S470BK. Price: $1800

My dream car.. BMW Z4 3.0i Price: $228150

Not my favourite magazine.. FHM september issue Price: $6.00

My dream girl.. Priceless
There's something money can't buy, for everything else, we can work towards it

LOL i'm just bored.

P.s i don't subscribe to FHM, trust me

Feddup

2004-09-12T17:28:00.000+08:00

It's 5:32pm. Where the hell is Joel? and where is Jean? no sign of any of my PW members. Fuck. i begin to worry for the report. I am not going to miss my show for that report.. I don't care anymore.
Today's the last day of the holiday. I looked back and ask myself... have I make use of the time well? Well the answer will still be a no. I did flip thru my notes and books, revised a few chapters here and there but i don't think it is sufficient. 3 more weeks left.. i have to chioooooooong all the way! i hope for triple Bs... Beat Hon Meng! study !study! study! =X that's joking. I'm not really that competitive.. i just want to do well.
I planned to finish band stuff by this week.. and as usual.. i couldn't. Am i a lousy leader or what? Why can't i meet my own deadline? What's the problem?! Sigh... the graduation dinner is not done yet. fuck. i hope betty doesn't tua me.. by not doing her stuff. Oh ya, and tshirt... no confirm design is out yet.. what the fuck am i doing. Seriously, i have to ask myself.. whatever i am doing in band.. izzit for the gd of the band.. or i just want to do something.. afterall, i still feel that the members are not fighting this battle with me.. izzit because of schoolwork that they neglect band? or i didn't spur them enough? How can i actually bring them together with me?
There's so much to be done, i have to do it, i cannot disappoint everyone.

Learn to let go

2004-09-09T23:48:00.000+08:00

Hmm, hantu, this is for you, hope u catch the meaning of the story

You caught my attention,
from a far away side.
Why are you so lonely,
in this cold and windy night?
I see, you've got a cut
I will bring you home and free you from the plight.

I am so cold,
I am freezing.
The cut on my wings,
It is not healing!
Oh, someone is here!
He caught me.
Set me free! Where are you going?

I'm leaving you in the box,
and it doesn't mean I don't care.
There's food and drinks inside,
and i promise, no more nightmare.
I have to do this,
If not Dad will throw you out.
Really! Leaving you alone, i just can't bear.

What is this place?
So dim and so wet.
Why are you locking me up?
Are you making me a pet?
My freedom is gone,
and so are my fears.
I will be save and will be fed.

In time to come,
your wound will heal.
Don't leave me after I let you out
is it a deal?
I am so excited to see you fly,
Like a beautiful fairy with little wings,
dancing with zeal.

My cut is getting better,
thanks to all your care,
Thank god for giving me such a friend
I am so blessed.
But life in this box,
I am sorry, it's not what i love
I have to confess.

I can't wait to see you dance.

Let me go, if you want me to dance.

There goes my diet plan!

2004-09-06T20:44:00.000+08:00

Yummy. Went to sakae sushi with a few band mates today. Damn! i was eating like i never eat before! And guess what, i went straight to bed after all that gluttony. Gee!

It was a pretty interesting meal with Jiahao, Yiming and Zhuzhen. Knowing that i will be going for a buffet lunch, i skipped my breakfast intentionally, thinking that perhaps i can boost my appetite. I didnt want others to know how kiasu i can be until Yiming annouced that he didn't eat breakfast. haha! We are singapore... singaporeans.. =X Singaporeans indeed! We went in at 3pm (which is the start of the buffet) and came out at around 530pm. wahahaha. Oh yes, we were allocated to the first table, where the "start" of the conveyer belt is. I really pity those table behind of us. At that rate we were eating, i guess nothing much will be left for the last table. Jiahao loves egg sushi. . Zhuzhen loves octopus and scallop. Yiming and I eat everything. So within 15 mins, we accumulated at least 25 plates. Constant half-life! first order reaction! =X That was the first 15 - 30mins, after that, reaction dropped to zero order reaction and soon reaction stops..except for me! hehe i'm still the ultimate survivor! =X

While we were waiting for 3 pm. She was there at heartland mall too. i was quite surprise to see her there. Somehow, she saw us or something and she came and said hi. I asked about her presence there, then she told me that Mr azahar and her classmates are eating at BK. I was quite turned off bythe word "classmates" actually. Sigh, she's always with them. Well nothing wrong with that though. i asked her to join us, but she rejected and went shopping with her classmates instead.. classmates again. fuck. But i really appreciated that she actually came out and say hi, well that brightened my day. Jiahao actually knows that i like her. Observant fellow.

Talking about love and relationship, Jasamine asked me this question "what is "like"?". I was sleeping at that time though. Well this kinda questions are sometimes too profound to have an exact answer to it, but i shall attempt to bring my views across.

Well, to me, "like" is simply too vague to be defined accurately. In general it means being fond of someone. Many people abused this word and used it too oftenly, that is why it doesn't have a value sometimes. When you like someone, it may refer to loving someone or simply adoring a friend. On one extreme, it can be plain friendship, and the other extreme will be love. Scattering through will be idolizing, crush, admire, infatuation, doting on, care for etc. Basically, having a feeling of fondness towards someone can be considered liking someone. This feeling may be developed as time passes, but you really have to figure out your liking belongs to which catagory. Sometimes you just simply like to spend time with a special friend, but you get confuse with your feelings and thought that you have a crush on that person. Oh well, this happens most of the time, I'm sure you will agree with me.

24

2004-09-06T01:50:00.000+08:00

24.. That's the number of days left to Promos.
I'm still doing nothing to my crimson grades. 18hours wasted lazing on my sofa.
Sighhh, JC life sucks, why did I go JC in the first place, afterall, my ultimate goal is to get a job in the music industry. Oh well!
This is what happened when i took out my Bio notes.
1. Sitting upright, reading
2. Hugging my pillow , reading
3. Slouching, still reading
4. lying down, still still reading
5. "DNA molecule is made up of 2 helical chainsofsugars...." ZzZzZz

That's basically what happened. By the time i woke up, it's time for TV, my favourite series "Heavenly sword and Dragon sabre". And yea.. there goes my day..

Kerui's matchmaking Co. Ltd

2004-09-05T23:20:00.000+08:00

For anyone, if you still don't know who is BOK, that's a picture of him.

He's single, 17 years old.
He's mesmerizing..
He's sooo cool, so punk
He's Hot..
He's simply Bok..

This fellow here is Joel..
He's a good eater and good bowler.
If you want him, make sure u have enough money!

Oh ya, the girl beisde Joel is Jean.
She is well knowned.. best known for acting cute.. ( oops =X)
Clapping 3 times, den squart down and laugh under the table is her trademark

Fate

2004-09-04T21:15:00.000+08:00

Fate.. that 4 lettered word. (ok this sounds so familiar! LOL)
Many people view it as a destiny designed and well plotted by heaven, and as usual, there are some others who will belong to the opposition. Well for me, i participated actively in the opposition team. I'm a firm believer that, anything that happens, happen for a reason. And the only reaon will be me, myself and my decision. Well, i have to admit fate or luck really does change our lifes in some ways. Many unfortunate babies was bornt with dysfunctions, diseases and handicaps. In africa, there are thousands of children suffering from AIDS. These innocent little mans are punish by fate, not for what they have done, but what their parents have done.
Millions in the world today are suffering from poverty because of corrupted governments, nothing much can be done to save them from their plight.

Other than what i have stated above, i guess fate does not play a role in our problems and sufferings. We are being punished for the wrong path that we took. It is a vicious cycle, like what Mrs Wong had been talking about. There's a saying in chinese, "Zhao zhi jin ri, he bi dang chu?". This sentence, i think, most accurately describe what many people will feel when they start to regret for whatever they had done. Most of guys will have the intellectual ability to think about the consequences for their actions, but we are simply too lazy to think so deeply or sometimes they just could not control their emotions at that moment. But obviously, no one will ever walk the perfect path for a perfect life. All humans make mistake, but only bright humans will learn from their mistake, and will not commit the same mistake in the future. Well, i think only this positive attitude will bring a human and his life close to perfection.

This is the biggest contrary ever. I am someone who did not learn from my mistake and worse, walking back the same stinky path again and again. For the past few years, my life was circled around backstabbing, betrayal, bittiness. I had problems with many people, some of whom, are significant individuals that impacted my teenage memories. i'm as guilty as how regretful i am, for what i have said and done to them. People told me all these are part of growing up, no doubt, but they are just too big a chapter in "growing up". The wounds made by all these painful memories have healed but it will always leave a ugly scar on my soul. No laser treatment can remove the scars, nothing, but a time machine. Well, that's the path i took, i just have to face it no matter what. I don't blame you, fate. IF you really exist, will you choose the best path for me in the future?

When you look up tonight

2004-09-03T22:35:00.000+08:00

Just talked to her. Can tell that she's not happy.. maybe it's becos of work.. maybe not.. well i just dun wan to guess. Perhaps what someone said is right, everyone needs to live their own life.
That's her life, I shall not bother much.

Fuck. i realised BOK took my chem notes.........thanks to KJ and her photocopy machine, or im gonna flunk chem tmr. oh ya.. Damn Le Chatelier!

When i was stoning in front of the screen just now.. i suddenly recalled what Mr Ng kok hwa told me. This is what he said, "Look up in the night sky, have you wondered how many stars are there?"
Well there's billion blinking up there
"Have you ever wonder how far away are the stars? We are looking at the history of the stars cos it takes years for the light to travel here. Years, yes years. It is so far away. The universe is so huge that you can never imagine. "
So i was like.. yea.. so what?
"and now you should realise how puny Man is. How puny"
The last phrase banged me hard on my forehead...
My mind was thinking about many issues at that moment and soon, entangled.

Think about it too. When u are enlightened, you may realise life is nothing, and everything else is not important at all. Thanks Mr Ng

After a long time

2004-09-03T19:09:00.000+08:00

It's been 2 years since i blog, now with a new look hehe.. spent 4 hours on that.. kinda like it =D
i was late for school in the morning.. and ta da! i didnt go school =X
Well at least i rested well at home.. hehe
yea, a break from last night actually.. nearly couldnt take it. Oh well, that's not the first time..
You see.. im stnading stronger after all this bullshit.
Hao ren zhen nan zhuo
Just hope she's feeling alright now.. feeling kinda guilty.. =/ ack *guilty for what*
tmr's chem equilibirum.. sigh.. i got a bad feeling i will fail.. better mug hard.. *cross fingers*